Along came a spider
by Lavena
Summary: 3 years after running to California, Stephanie and her 6yearold bat spawn, Melosa, are at a dead end. Her ex has found her, and isn't happy about the child... especially not whose child it is... but when along comes a spider, Stephanie is faced with a cho
1. Spider and Fly

"Mommy, why are you crying?"

I looked down at Melosa, so confused. Whoops, so am I.

"Um, because I'm happy, Melly, now please pack your clothes faster."

Ok, I was running, but that's ok, because a lot of people run. And as I stared at Mel, my child of 3 years, (bat spawn- don't ask. Ranger said it was accidental and I believe him...) I knew that if I dragged her into my shit, she'd be screwed.

Oh well. Somehow I couldn't see myself leaving her on the doorstep of RangeMan. Besides, it has security cameras, and no one can know I -we- are leaving.

"Melly, give me your bag, sweetie, we have to go - NOW!"

Panic had settled on my brain... oh dear. Not good to drive when panicked. I grabbed Melly's small Ranger-coloured hand (and our suitcases) and made a mad dash for the car.

(Maybe a tad violently) I shoved the luggage (and Melly) into the back of my (brand-new) truck and clambered into the driver's seat.

Melly... check.

Luggage...check.

Brand-spanking new truck...check.

Clean underwear...check.

Ok, ready to haul ass!

And, as we drove away from the sleeping Morelli's house, we knew that we wouldn't be bothered again... not in this time. No more Bombshell, or the more common spawn of Bombshell, no more stinking FTAs, no more Morelli or Ranger... no more trouble.

Well, there better not be, anyway.

Ahhh... I can already taste the California sunshine on my tongue.


	2. Free from the web

3 years later...

I looked around my spick-'n-span living room. Ahhh... a proud mother I am.

"Melly, come in here for a min,"

"Yes mother." My 6-year-old spawn of bat child sauntered into the living room, and did a double-take.

"It's clean, my eyes," Melly said in mock horror, covering her browny-black eyes with both hands. For a 6-year-old, Melly's a pretty good actress.

"Oh, get over yourself," I said, smiling at ma lil' actress. Damn baby hormones. "Anyway, sweetie, I've gotta go to work, so can you go to Auntie Rosario's after school?" Auntie Rosario wasn't really Melly's Aunt. When we first moved here, Rosario, a proud 32-year-old Mexican, took us in to her glorious mansion. Yes, that's right, mansion. Rosario would've made us stay (she luuurves Melly: what can I say? Melly has that effect on people), but we - yes, we - decided it was time for some independence. Besides, if my angry ex decides to mysteriously come to California, I didn't want Rosario dragged into this.

"Yay!" Mel exclaimed. She stuck her stick arms around my (surprise, surprise) thinning waist (as in 30kg - you can't go on beaches in bikinis if you're fat) and kissed my stomach with her perfect bow-shaped mouth. "Do ya think Auntie Rosie will cook da chocolate chip cookies again?"

"I know she will. Now off to school." With a last stroke of her silky black hair, I shooed her out the door. Me, a mother. And a skinny one, too. There are no traces of stretch marks, and my face is wrinkle-free. California had done great things for me. Except...

Except I still missed Ranger. Not Morelli, Ranger. After Morelli's lil' incident with a certain Terry Gilman (which he will NEVER know I know about, and that is a GODDAMNED fact), he doesn't deserve to be missed. But Ranger, well, I have no idea, but I just don't feel like going back to Trenton. Psycho exes will do that to you... hmmm.

And so I sat on the maroon couch, and for the first time since I left Trenton, I wanted to cry. Being a bounty hunter trains you to capture FTAs, but not to ignore someone, and not to suppress tears. So the tears flowed freely, and I felt more alone than anyone could possibly imagine.

Ahhh, the price to pay to be pretty in California.


	3. When Spiders Attack

"Come, chica, it's alright to cry. Come here, into Auntie Rosario's arms." Just so you know, this is the first time a certain Hispanic multi-billionaire has ever hugged me, so bear with me.

"Where's...sniff...Melosa?"

"She's watching T.V."

"Which one?"

"The biggest T.V," Rosario smiled, and it was as if the sun came out. When Rosario smiled, children stopped crying, and, since I was acting like a home-sick child, so did I.

"You're too kind, Rosie." Now I was smiling too. There was never a 'too kind' for Rosie, but there was always a 'not kind enough'. After our first few weeks with her, I asked, 'where's the off-button?' and Rosie had said 'there isn't one, chica, my manufacturer was a stupido one indeed, yes?'.

"No, Steph, I'm 'Not Kind Enough'".

Shaking my head, I wondered what had happened to the poor girl to make her so nice. Like most things, I probably didn't want to know.

Shaking my head (for the second freaking time), I entered the living room (3x the size of my bedroom, and it ain't small) and looked at my Melosa, so engrossed in the theatre-sized T.V and its stinking cartoons. Her long black hair slid across her perfect face, but her gaze was intent from behind the hair.

"Kids these days," I muttered, perfectly aware that I, too, am a victim of the cartoon crisis and have no room to throw stones. "Ok, Melly, time to go home, 'k?" I bundled up her tired 6-year-old form ("I'm not tired, yawn, I just need to rest my eyes for a lil' while, ok?") and headed to my truck. I was also tired, but not from watching cartoons (although those _do_ get boring quickly). Opening your own bar gets tiring, but it was my own, no co-owners, just miney mine mine.

And it's called, 'Along Came a Spider'. (**A/N I could stop it here but I feel like making a long chapter, if crappy**)

Approximately 5 minutes later, we were home, and I was in bed. Thoughts whizzed through my head, like how good a cheeseburger would taste right about now, or if I should take a day off from the bar and go to the beach. Nah, cheeseburger is top priority now. Carefully, I slid out of bed and padded into the kitchen.

Mmm... nothing like a midnight meal (snack is by far the wrong word for a piece of goddamned birthday cake) at 1 o'clock in the morning. I sat there, swallowing the flavoured lard almost convulsively, when I heard a knock at the door. Curious... dare I open it? Meh.

So I walked through about a dozen rooms (God I love my house) to reach the front door. And then I made a fatal mistake. I opened the door... and got shot in the stomach.

"**SON OF A BITCH!**" I screamed and Melosa entered the room, screaming. She was babbling stuff like, "Gotta call Auntie Rosie... Mommy you alive?...AUNTIE ROSIE!", and I instantly knew who sent the thug to shoot me. Anthony P. Green, my ex ex ex boyfriend. I couldn't let this go.

But then, suddenly, I had a vivid thought of the cake sitting in the kitchen, awaiting my return. NOOO! CAKE! WHYYY!

Tony Green, you are going **DOOOOOOWNNN!** And this time, it's arsenal.

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**A/N: Um... this is the first story I've really tried to do good in (aka it's utter crap and I can't fix it), so I'm welcome to suggestions and a lil' critisism but not too much, there's only so much one can handle. Btw: Disclaimer: I own nothing but Rosario, Melosa, Anthony Green, the bar and the plot. Please don't steal it/them because I'd cry :'(**  



	4. Enter SpiderEating Bird

**A/N: Yeah, um, the story was short, but now I'm writing longer, 'cause I'm special. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but Rosario, Melosa, Anthony Green, the bar and my plot. Pretty please don't steal it/them 'cause it'd make me very unhappy... have you ever seen an author cry? I don't advise it : D**

I came to in a white, sterile room and recognition hit me like a brick to my head (and it hurt as much, too - or maybe that's just my medicine wearing off. Either way...). Stupid hospitals, I hate them. They smell like urine and pills. And it's not a good combination.

I tried to sit up, but my stomach muscles wouldn't co-operate. I felt my stomach, had a second to think, 'why the hell am I wearing a bandage on my stomach?' then remembered, 'Oh, I got shot'.

I got shot.

I got _shot! Oh NOOO, my CAKE!_ Now I was pissed. Then I remembered my last comment yesterday, 'this time it's arsenal'. Who do I know that does arsenal best?

Ranger.

Oh no.

Oh nono_no_!

And one more time, with feeling, _NO!_

I would be killed. By _him!_ Personally. And slowly... no, I'm not that stupid, am I?

Yes. Yes, I am. There is a stupid part inside me. It's the part that made me go into the garage with Morelli. It's the same part that made me pretend to be Superwoman and jump off the roof. And yes, it is indeed the same stupid part that made me marry Dickie, for all the good it did me.

Well, the stupid part reared its ugly head again. It said, 'Ranger wouldn't _really_ kill you, and Tony's gang of merry men (ummm... hairy thugs, more like) will most definitely. Besides,' it continued, 'he likes you enough to make it quick and painless, and he'd take care of Melosa.'

Melosa.

_Melosa?_ Where _is_ she? Oh NOOO!

"Melosa," I croaked, "Melosa, you there?"

"Ya mama, I'm here," a very grown-up looking (meaning her face wasn't joyful, just serious) Melosa stepped into the room, holding Rosario's hand.

"The doctor said you could have died," Melosa said, face set solemn and hard, like she could burst into tears in any moment.

"Do I look dead to you? _Don't answer that!_" I added. God knows what I looked like, and he and I were on the outs right now. _So_ don't want to know what I look like.

"Awww, come here," I cuddled Melly, "Ow! That's my _stomach_, you wretched child!" Melosa giggled, and I thought, 'I'm alive. If Melly's giggling, then I'm _definitely_ alive.'

A nurse entered, with a clipboard in a white-knuckled grip. She looked scared shitless, but then, I would know _all_ about that, wouldn't I?

"A man wants to see you," the nurse mumbled.

"What kind of man?"

"A big, strong, manly man," A familiar voice leaked from the doorway. I sighed. Thanks, God, way to lead him to me while I'm still weak.

"Come in, Ranger," I said. I scrunched my eyes up into the classic if-I-can't-see-you-you're-not-there position.

Then enters Ranger, Mr. Bigshot, and after him came silence.

Broken only by Melosa squealing, 'DADDY!" In between Melosa-kisses, Ranger glared at me, but it was hard to keep up, so he finally slid his eyes downward to his daughter, who was now encircling his waist with her stick arms.

I sighed. There goes my normal life.


	5. Fly down!

**A/N Yeah, this is random, don't ask... Disclaimer: I own nothing but Rosario, Melosa, Anthony Green, the bar (which you haven't heard a lot about but oh well), Steph's false identity and the plot. Pretty please don't steal it/them, or I'll cry :'(  
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"Why are you here?" I asked. What I wanted to ask was, "how did you find me?', but that was an obvious question. He's Batman! 

"I want to know what the fuck is going on, Stephanie." Okay, he was _so_ pissed. No babes _and_ he swore in front of a child. Shame on **HIM!**

"What's to know?" Mentally I patted myself on the back. Nice one, Steph, keep your voice reasonable. No need to get security...

"Why did you leave Trenton, for a start?" His voice held the image of a sulking child.

"Rosario, take Melosa out, please," hmmm... how to start? "And first of all, I'm kinda being stalked."

"By who?"

"My... ex ex ex boyfriend."

"Oh?"

"And, um, I found out Morelli had..." be strong, "had been cheating on me. But DON'T tell him I know, he's in for a surprise." I smiled evilly. Muhuahaha! I can just imagine it.

"_Hey, cupcake,"_

"_Don't cupcake me, you lil' turd."_

"_What? What'd I do?"_

"_What didn't you do? With TERRY!"_

"_Listen, I can explain..."_

"_Ok, start with 'I'm a cheating sadistic bastard' and end with 'and that is why I'm not worthy of you'."_

A pair of clicking fingers in front of my face brought my attention back to Ranger.

"Babe, I've only seen that look on the face of a woman seeking revenge. And she tried to cut my gonads off. So please, don't pull that face in front of me." Ranger visibly shuddered.

"Mr. Manoso, have you met your match? A pair of doctoring scissors, perhaps?"

"Nope, a rusty tyre iron..."

Ouch.

"Ok, let's change the subject. That makes me wince and I don't even _have_ gonads. So, what is Mr. Batman going to do now?"

"Attempt to distract this Anthony Green from his rent-a-thugs long enough to assassinate him."

Gulp. "You _knew_ who I was running from?"

"Let's just say that at RangeMan, we know all about your exes, and Anthony was the only one I knew to hire amateur rent-a-thugs-" he was cut off abruptly by me slapping him hard enough to make my stomach muscles heave with indignation (and a LOT of pain... owies!).

"How **_DARE_** you! Now shoo, or I'll hire some rent-a-thugs myself." As he was leaving, I caught him smiling. I was _amusing_ him!

"And send in Rosario and Melosa."

He turned then. "Do you want me to look after Melosa while you're in hospital?"

By the look on his face he expected me to say yes. But what would he do? Show Morelli he'd found me? Wave her in the faces of people who tried to kill him? Ha! Fat chance, I thought.

"No need. Rosario has a mansion that Melosa's in luuurve with." I smiled at the mental image of Mel in the mansion - OVERNIGHT! But Rosario wouldn't mind, she lived alone.

An expression of utter shock passed Ranger's face, quickly swallowed by his (stupid) mask of amusement. One day I'd make that mask come off for good, but until then...

"Is this about snooping through your records? I mean, come _on_-"

"It's not about the snooping, but that _is_ a major factor. Mel just likes the mansion better, and chances are you will be doing something dangerous over the next few days." I smiled. Ranger's face had gone cold. Oh, I luuurve that I can do that to him.

"Now out, and send in Rosario and Mel." With one last scowl (clearly directed at me), Ranger exited, and Mel and Rosario entered... just as my mom did and Valerie. Next entered the horse, the miniature Virgin Mary, and Val's cuddle umpkins... closely followed by my dad and Morelli.

I hate my life.

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**A/N Yeah, it's random... don't ask. What an ass-whoopin' Steph will get. And anyway, pretty pretty please R & R, that would make my day. And if you don't, I'll cry...**  



	6. There is no fly God, after all

**A/N Heyyy...  
Randomize: um you learn about Steph's false identity in thiiis one :D  
and I am goddamned tired of doing this but DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but Rosario, Melosa, Anthony "asswipe" Green, Steph's false identity, the bar, the plot, ummm... the shirt on my back and the computer. Please don't steal it/them (especially not the shirt-I'd feel naked without it ) or I'll cry. Also, the computer is very important... it has all my stuff, y'know...  
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**"Kitrena Comins?" my mother asked. Her mouth had formed a thin, lipless line of pure rage. "Honestlly, Stephanie, you had us all worried sick. And to hear it from a stranger holding my granddaughter."  
"But Mommm... you don't _like_ it when I'm being stalked by exes. And besides, Rosario is no stranger."

"Rosario? _The_ Rosario Vega? The youngest billionaire in the world? Omigod omigod omigod!" I could tell that Val jst couldn't wait to beg Rosario for money. I shot Rosario a warning look, and watched as she cautiously edged away from the drooling Valerie.

"Why'd you leave, anyway? Do you know how long Bob's been looking for you?" Morelli said. Oooh... I wanted to congratulate the woman who'd threatened Ranger with that rusty tyre iron, she had the right idea. Maybe I could blackmail Ranger in to giving me her name...

"Do you know how long I've tried not to kill your ass with a rusty tyre iron?" I heard a curiously muffled sound coming from the corridor which I correctly identified as Ranger laughing, and I saw my mother almost faint. Her chances of getting me married, going slooowly donw the drain. "Stephanie Michelle Plum, what are you talking about?"  
"Ask the cheating bastard himself," I said slyly. An eeevil smile had played upon my lips, I could tell by the way everyone was slowly backing away from me. This was going better than I planned. Now that poor fool Morelli would be cornered by my family. Muhuahaha!

"What's wrong, Cupcake?"  
"Don't Cupcake me , you lil' turd."  
"What? What'd I do?"  
"What DIDN'T you do? With TERRY!" Oooh, Morelli walked riiight into it. But what happened next didn't fit it at ALL! "What are you talking about? Are you INSANE!"  
"No, just wondering... WHY TERRY!"  
"Why Terry what?"  
"Cut the crap, Morelli. Why did you have an affair with Terry?"

And then he laughed. He was being accused of cheating on me with the slut from the set of Barbie Does Mafia, in a room full of supportive and quick to anger relatives and friends, and he laughs. The lil' rat fink laughs. Where are the tyre irons when you need them?

"Oh, that's a good one. Now seriously, what's wrong?"

Grrr! **(A/N Warning: This next bit has... ummm... repulsive language and sexual themes, yada yada ya da... just thought you might like to know...) **

**"YOU SLEAZY FUCKING SON OF THE WHORE OF FUCKING BABYLON! I HOPE YOUR BALLS FALL OFF AND A FLY LAYS FUCKING MAGGOTS ON THEM! IF YOU TAKE ANOTHER FUCKING STEP TOWARD ME AND MY FAMILY, I WILL FUCKING PERSONALLY CASTRATE YOU WITH A RUSTY FUCKING TYRE IRON! IS THAT FUCKING CLEAR, FUCK FACE?" **By now I was panting hard, and rage was spilling from my pores. Rosario had her ears over Melosa, who giggled (probably at the steam coming out of my ears), and my mother really HAD fainted. My family (including my friends), were giving Morelli the evils, and he had a puzzled expression on his face. He'd probably take that expression to the grave, if it would save him from being clobbered by my family. Then he did the strangest thing - he laughed. OOOH!

"Did you call my mom 'the whore of fucking Babylon'?"

I scowled. "What is WRONG with you? You've been busted having an affair, and you think it's so funny that I called your mom the whore of Babylon!"

"So you DID!" Then a thoughtful look crossed his face. "Did you say you busted me? That's not possible - Terry's going out with my cousin, Tony." Oh. That explains why I thought it was Morelli. Mental head slap. Unh!

Thanks a bunch, God.

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**A/N Muhuahaha! Yes, it's very fun to write stories that torment Steph, but a bowl of popcorn that has my name on it is calling me. I know this, because my cellphone is vibrating madly. Anyway, pretty pretty pretty PLEASE! R & R like the nice people you are. It would make my day... although popcorn helps...**  



	7. You're pretty fly for a white guy

**A/N Heyyy! Um something random to say: My family were watching a Blondie music video, and there was this Native American in a bush, and my mum says, "Why is there a Native American in the bush?" and we all said, "because it's a bush Maori". Lol don't ask. Anyway, Disclaimer: I only own all the stuff I said before, and please don't steal is 'cause that's not nice, yada yada yada, you all get the idea :D  
**

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**My family was watching my face with interest. I did NOT have the time for this."What?" I asked. "What are you all looking at?" Then we heard a far away crash, and an angry shout of, "I'm a bounty hunter, so get the FUCK outta my way!" LULA!

"LULA!" I screamed as the big black woman stormed into my hospital room. What is this, a party? Because I sure as hell ain't cleaning up! "Hey, girl!" Lula said, smiling. "I ain't seen you in 3 whole years. I bought your ass sum McDonalds, 'cause that hospital shit don't taste too good, y'know?" I think Lula was talking, but I couldn't take my eyes off the bag of steaming McDonalds. California has done great things for me, but taking away my cravings for junkfood isn't one of them. Besides, that probably wouldn't be a good thing.

"Gimme the bag!" I said. Lulas be damned, I would do anything for that bag!

"Uh uh UH!" Lula was smiling. Damn her to HELL! Although I probably wasn't far behind. "Say the magic words."  
"Are they: Gimme the bag or I'll shoot you?" Lula wasn't smiling now. I think she believed me. Her and the rest of the goddamed room. "Not exactly, but for your skinny white ass, I guess I can make an exception, on account of-"  
"JUST GIMME THE BAG!" Lula handed me the bag and I devoured a 20piece McNuggets withing 6 seconds. I earned this, I kept telling myself. On account of... oh STUFF it! I wanted the McDonalds, I deserve the McDonalds, and by God I am going to HAVE the McDonalds! Now everyone was looking at me weirdly. What? Did I have a bug in my hair?

Morelli broke the painful silence by saying, "Well, isn't this the Stephanie we've all become accustomed to?" I couldn't tell if it was sarcastic, but honestly, I couldn't care less. I'd probably fucked up our relationship more than enough.

"Ok, people, out now. I need sum alone time with me and Mr. Cheeseburger,". I know, I know, I'm a slob. But God graced me with a great bod when I hit California, why not fill it up like He (most likely) intended?

Even to me, that logic sounded like crap.

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**A/N Yeah, I know it's short, but who really cares? I mean, come on! Besides, the next chapter is from Melosa's (adorable) point of view. Random, eh? I'll show YOU random! Muhuahaha! You know the drill, people, please R & R like nice obedient slaves cough I mean free people. I said nothing about slaves.**  



	8. Preview on the Web

**A/N This AIN'T a chapter, sorry to disappoint you. Um, I've just got some things that will/might happen in the story.**

**1. Melosa goes to Rosario's mansion.**

**2. Ranger steals Melosa and plays with her for the day.**

**3. Stephanie gets shot again, this time in the chest. Will she survive? (Of course she'll survive, you can't go around killing off the main characters. DUH!)**

**4. One of the men in Steph's life take a rusty tyre iron in the balls. (Not Morelli).**

**5. Someone gets kidnapped. Gasp!**

**And...**

**6. I finish this story. Yay me!**

**Yeah, that's it. I know I suck. If I suck enough, there may even be a sequel. DUN DUN DUNNN! Sorry, I just like scaring people :D **

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	9. Maggoty Madness

**A/N Heya... this one is from Melosa's P.O.V, and there will be sumthing (random) happening at Rosario's mansion, that may or may no involve Ranger. And for the 50millionth time (which is only like, the 7th, but hey...) Disclaimer: I own nothing but um... Rosario, Melosa, Anthony Green, the bar, ummm... my imaginary friend, the plot, the title and my soul. Please don't steal it/them (I kinda need my soul to live, y'know) because it'd make me sad, and I might make Ranger's head explode in the story if you do. Muhuahaha**

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** Melosa's P.O.V**

When I arrived at Rosario's mansion, I thought, 'I wish Mommy were here'. The doctor said that Mommy could've died if Rosario hadn't gotten there in time, and I wasn't happy 'bout letting her out of my sight.

Rosario's mansion is next to our house, so I gathered only the essentials (like our keys, my teddy that Daddy gave me for my 5th birthday, um... my watch) and we slowly walked to Rosario's house.

The air around me was silent, and hung immobile, like it was waiting. For what? Rain? Honestly, walking through our neighborhood's air felt like walking through treacle; sticky and you can't breathe. But then again, it's like this in every neighborhood during summer. After all, it is California! Duh! But I have a distant memory. A memory of living in a place called... was it Trenton? Anyway, the air actually felt like air there, and everybody knew everybody. I liked it there, but... in my head is a memory of Mommy crying... and saying I need to pack faster. I always liked Trenton, why didn't she?

"Come, mi muchacha, put a smile on your face and ice cream in your belly". Auntie Rosie handed me a bowl of cookies 'n cream ice cream, and I forgot my worries. Where there's a will, there's some ice cream. Mmmm... ice cream.

3 hours later...

Auntie Rosie said it was 3 o' clock, and that she'd be out for a lil' while looking after Mommy's bar, and not to open the door to strangers... yada yada yada. I nodded and smiled pleasantly - Auntie Rosie was so protective of me. An annoying voice in my head said, "it's for your own good," but then the superior one said, "she's not your mother. She's not even your real Auntie. Why should _she_ be protective, huh?" I dismissed that thought - Auntie Rosie loved me and that was good.

But all thoughts of Aunties and ice cream disappeared when I heard the doorbell ring. Hmmm... leave ice cream or sit and get fat? That's easy, get FAT! Hungrily, I dug an ice cream hole and ate the ice cream that came from it. Mmmm... ice cream. But then the strangest thing happened - the door opened.

My spoon stopped in mid scoop, momentarily forgetting it's destination while I listened intently to the sounds in far away rooms. Is it a burglar? No, I decided. If it is a burglar, it wouldn't have rung the doorbell. It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... It's... MY DADDY? What the...? When my father entered the room, I abandoned my ice cream and gave him a dozen cookies 'n cream kisses. "DADDY!"

"Hey, Melly. You wanna come with your dad for the day?" He was smiling as he said it, and the smile made me think he was doing this to get revenge. To who? But as quickly as it had come, the revenge look disappeared behind a mask of compassion, and I forgot about everything, but the feeling of hanging in my daddy's arms.


	10. Fly undone

**A/N Heyyy... well, um I know that the last chapter was short(ish) and I promise that this wont be as short. And for the millionth time, Disclaimer: I own all dat shit that I said I did before, and now I also own my sister. Muhuahaha!**

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I opened my eyes and for a minute I thought that I was in the hospital, but something wasn't right. Hmmm... AHA! The smell of leather upholstery informed me that this, my friends, is indeed a_ car_. I tried to move my stiff arms... ouch. 

"Be calm, chica, all is well". A voice. Rosario? Time to try my voice.

"R-" I coughed, "Rosario?"  
"Yes?"  
"Why am I in your car?"  
"Because you are going home."  
"Who's home?"  
"Anthony's home."

I let the words sink in. Then, "WHAT!"

"How could you have not figured it out, chica? How else could Anthony have known where you were? How else could he have known about your boyfriends? And how else could Anthony have known where your darling Melosa is?"

I gulped. The rat fink had taken Melosa. "But last I heard, Ranger had nicked her off you."  
"Your Ranger puts up a good fight, yes? Not good enough for a dozen rent-a-thugs, though. No, not good enough, though he is determined, yes?"  
I could hear the smile in her voice, even if I couldn't see it. My next words came out choked with rage, pure, mindless rage. "What have you done with her?"  
"I have done nothing, but his rent-a-thugs seem to enjoy her. Like Michael Jackson, they are." It took a few seconds longer than usual for the meaning to sink in. "OMIGOD!" I screamed, long and never-ending. That BITCH! I lunged for her (hey, no seat belt! Whaddaya know!) and grabbed that hair, twisting it round my wrist, then pulled as hard as I could. What I wanted to do was eat her skin off, then feed her heart to her while she was still alive, but this would do. Then, three things happened:

1. I heard a loud shot that made my ears ring.

2. There was an unbearable pain in my chest.

3. My chest suddenly felt very damp, and my top was ruined for good.

Oh well, I probably didn't need a t-shirt where I was going. Wait, where _was_ I going? I thought about all the things I'd called Morelli, when he'd been so good to me. I thought about leaving Trenton without telling anyone, and probably making a lot of innocent people (and Ranger) unhappy. I thought about how sleeping with two different men. I thought about opening a goddamned bar (yep, God hadn't especially liked that). and was pretty sure that I was going to hell. But Melly... Melly would be stuck with hell on Earth in the form of rent-a-thugs. The thought made pain lessen, and I could think again. No. I will NOT die, goddamnit!

'But Rosie, sweetie, you just might,' I thought poisonously. Yep, without a doubt, if I got out of this alive, she and all of the men that molested Melly would die. Time to make a deal with God.

'God,' I thought, 'God, you've got to let me live. Not for me, well not especially, but for Melly. How can you leave her in the arms of those men?'. The pain increased, so I took that to mean that I was still dying. Time for some A class bribery. 'I'll make you a deal: if you let me live, then I'll never eat sugar again. Off the sugar for GOOD! And I'll go to church every Sunday'. There. The worst was said. But now I don't know if I'd rather live or die: either way, I'll be in hell. **(A/N I could stop this one here, but I'm bored, so I'll continue :D) **

Stay awake, I ordered myself. Play dead. Yes, along with sit and beg, that was one of my favourite tricks.I collapsed into the leather seats, after alot of fake gasping and moaning. Muhuahaha! Through slightly open eyes, I could see Rosario's horrified expression. The car abruptly swerved and stopped, in which time my body flopped foward lifelessly. Ha! Let her think I'm dead. She got out of her seat and felt my pulse (which I concentrated on making it slooow dooown- it's for Melosa, I told myself), then shook her head and whipped out a cellphone.

"Listen, I don't care if you have another freaking appointment, get here NOW! TU MIERDA PEQUENA!" **(A/N People, that means you little shit in Spanish, except I can't get the goddamned symbols that go with them. Nevermind)**

Rosario abruptly snapped the phone shut and stroked my hair. Ick, villain germs!

"Hang in there, mi hermana **(A/N my sister in Spanish. They ain't actually sisters, but they used to be just as close)**, be strong". I worked very hard on not spewing up my icky hospital breakfast.I vaguely remembered that I was wearing a knife, then I had an idea. A fantabulous idea!

My eyes flew open, then rolled upward 'till I was sure all she could see was white. I started writhing, and moaning, while she tried to hold me still. Then I convulsed, and, while she was holding my head down, stabbed her in the chest.

"¡Ay!" she cried, and I drove the blade deeper. Sometime later, I'd probably break down and have images of me stabbing Rosario, but right now, all I could think was, 'God my back is cramped!'

Finally, she let go and fell foward on to the leather seats. But just for good measure, I stabbed her in the back of the head. Go me!

Then I had a super-fantabu-wonder-idea. I called Ranger.

"Yo," he said, if croaked.  
"Emergency." One word, but it sure as hell got Ranger's undivided attention without showing him my boobs or saying that I was going to kill him.  
"Well?" "It's a long story. The short story is that they have Melosa, Rosario kidnapped me, I attacked Rosario, Rosario shot me in the chest, I played dead, I stabbed Rosario in the chest and head, and now I kinda need a ride and a doctor. The doctor can wait until we find Melly, though."  
"One: That was short? Two: Babe, you've got a freaking bullet in your chest. I don't think you're going anywhere. Three: Tank is coming to pick you up as we speak."

But it was then that I knew that I couldn't let Tank get me. Ranger wouldn't let me find Melly, and I don't need his stupid help, anyway. Besides, I was sick of not being independant enough, but now that I was trained in kempo, karate and tae kwon doe, I thought that it was about time that I used those awesomeful skills and unleashed them on Tony's perverted ass. Besides, I have an Uzi, and am comfortable using it.

"Babe?" That one word was filled to the brim with concern, and I knew I had to hurry. "Gotta go."  
"Babe? Don't hang up-" Click. In your face, Ranger, for once I hung up on you.

Smiling, I climbed into the driver's seat, then realized that I didn't have the keys. It took me about 5 minutes more to realize where they were, and what I'd have to do to get them.

Now that's just not nice, God.

* * *

**A/N Heyyy... muhuahaha...ha. Ummm... if you haven't figured out what Steph has to do to get the keys, too bad, you'll find out in the next thingimagig. Also, any mistakes in Spanish aren't my fault. I don't have the right symbols, so sue me. No, don't really. I'm poor. You don't want all that money anyway, right?**  



	11. Fly Suprise

** A/N Heyyy... this next chapter won't make a lot of sense, but hey, what does these days? Anyway, this next bit guest stars a Michael Jackson impersonator, so you know it'll be scary. And, for the millionth time, Disclaimer: I own nothing but Rosario (who is now fortunately/unfortunately dead, Melosa, Anthony Green, the Michael Jackson impersonator, the bar (which you will hear more about later...), the plot, the title, ummm... and some other stuff that I'm too lazy to mention. Anyway, I know you'd prob. never want to steal my stuff because it sucks, but, please don't. I'm just cautious...**

* * *

After getting the keys from Rosario's icky (dead) pocket, I was feeling really bad. My chest pain hurt, and I probably needed a hospital, but hey, if I was still alive, then the hospital could wait, right? Right.

(Dead) keys... check.

Uzi... check.

Personality... check.

Intelligence... never had it.

Rusty tyre iron... check.

Muhuahaha. Anthony P. Green, you are going DOOOWN!

The car would've been easier to drive if I wasn't still bleeding and didn't have a tyre iron in my lap, but it worked out well. Then I thought... where _is_ Tony? I looked around at where the car (GPS) had taken me... hmmm... an old warehouse. An old, eerie looking warehouse. And old, eerie looking warehouse that probably had a lifetime of villain germs and could collapse at any minute. No thanks, God. But then my cellphone rang. Uh oh... Ranger or warehouse? Which is scarier? Ranger wins. I slowly got out of the... Porsche! Tsk tsk tsk. Now Stephanie, no time to think about cars...

5 minutes later.

Okay, Stephanie Michelle Plum, you have procrastinated for LONG enough! Get OFF the bench and INTO that warehouse!

I tip-toed across the concrete, careful not to step on cracks. My mother's mind is broken enough, she doesn't need a broken back to match. Anyway, I gaped at the steel door hanging by its hinges. Dare I open it? My mind was whizzing over a thousand things that could await me behind the door. Ninjas, monkeys, ninjas with monkeys that have rabies! But when I opened it... nothing. All was silent, except for my labored breathing (which I couldn't stop, even if I tried). Then, in the distance, a little girl was crying. Forgetting them stupid ninjas with them stinking monkeys, I rushed to the aid of my daughter... and was utterly surprised to see that it was Michael Jackson. What the...! As if on cue, he gave a girlish giggle, stood, and bitch-slapped me. Now come ON! How low can you get, Tony? This is RIDICULOUS!

"Ummm...?" I said. There was some serious explaining to do. Michael Jackson? "Take a pill, chickie, I'm just an impersonator."  
"I knew THAT!" I said. I was grumpy, and I wanted to take a nice, long shower and wash away all the villain germs.  
As if on cue, a girlish giggle escaped his (phony?) mouth. "I've been ordered by Tony to keep you busy while he brutally slaughters your daughter". Owkaaay. That was a little dramatic. Yeesh.  
I was tired, and there was a fierce pounding behind my right eye, and this screwball giggling (like nails on a chalk board) in my left ear. So I did what any self-respecting Jersey girl pushed to the edge would do: I grabbed him by his hair... and it fell off in my hand?

"Holy shit!" I said. How much more of this guy is fake? Don't go there Steph, DO NOT go there.

"Teeheehee, you like it?" Owkaaay... I shoved him to the side."Where the HELL is Melosa?  
"In the torture room," He replied, with all the false dignity he could muster while he was bald. What IS it with Tony and the dramatics? I mean, come ON! The torture room? Puh-leese! What's next, the pit of doom? No, not the pit of doom, the Pit of Doom, dun dun DUNNN!

I walked down a narrow hallway and prayed to my new bestest buddy, God, that I was going the right way. 'Because if I'm not...' I threatened him under my breath. In reality, I couldn't hurt something that is everywhere and nowhere, let alone kill them, but it's nice to have dreams.

As if on cue, I could see a doorway in the dark distance. "There is a God and He loves me!" I whispered excitedly. But did I really want to go in there? Hmmm... yes.

I pushed open the...bloody? wooden door and was utterly shocked to see..

* * *

** A/N I wonder what it could be... hmmm. It's not going to be what you expect, let me tell you that. Anyway, zi know that in the last chapter, getting shot in the chest, you probably wouldn't stay alive very long, would you? In fact, Stephanie would be dead. But 1) that would ruin the story and 2) it's meant to make you think. I mean, maybe her chest was just grazed. Maybe she was shot with those fake bullets, the whatchyamacallits. Or maybe, maybe God is on her side again. You never know, and I'm not going to tell you. Nya nya ne NYA NYA!**  



	12. Fly eats spider?

**A/N Heyyy... yes, what could she find? Well, you won't know unless you read on, will you? Right? Right. Unless you have some weird, computer-mind-reading shit going on, in which case, feel free to step away from the computer.  
Anyway, my sweets, do not fret. It makes you look like you are in desperate need of botox. And I would like to take this time to thank people who review. You make me feel special. I know it's not many people compared to some other stories, but it's enough to make me keep writing without falling asleep. Anyway, I will say this again, Disclaimer: I own all that shit I said before, and my newest addition, a brain. Yes, people, I am one step closer to being intelligent, because I have a brain. If only I knew how to use it...**

* * *

Anthony. Just sitting there. ON THE FREAKING TOILET! THAT'S IT, GOD, THAT IS _IT_! ALL DEALS ARE _OFF_! 

The intelligent part of me wished I hadn't just thought that, because this is how it went:

1) Anthony: 'What the...?' draws Firestar 9mm from somewhere. Come on, God, that's not fair. And I know it's _you_, God, NO ONE takes a freaking gun to the toilet.

2) Stephanie: 'Stop, motherfucker!' draws Uzi from totally cool shoulder holster and gets shot at by Anthony. 'I said, STOP!' shrieks as bullet hits wall, sighs, and re-holsters Uzi, then draws rusty tyre iron.

3) Anthony: 'What are you, crazy? If you couldn't shoot me, you sure as hell can't clobber me. Why did I ever love you?'

4) Stephanie: 'Just watch me clobber your ass. And besides, after the blow to the nuts, you'll probably faint and make my job easier.' What I meant as comforting had Anthony turning pale. Oh Steph, I chided myself, _why_ did you have to freaking make him piss his personally-tailored pale suit? And it was pretty obvious - unless that suit was also fixed to have a patch of wet-looking yellow fabric over the crotch. I dunno, even Anthony's not _that_ dumb. Or _is_ he? Time to find out.

Anyway, I was doing fine at my Rambo act, so I decided to just go ahead and finish it. I charged him, and he gave a yelp, then attempted feebly to pull up his y-fronts (without wiping - yeurggg!). But his hands were shaking too hard, and all those hours of working out had done wonders for my fitness level, so I got there before he'd had time to put 'em away and hit him directly.

His hands fell away, his cold, wintry forest eyes rolled to white, and he fell backwards onto the toilet. I wasn't gonna help him - so what if his evil villain suit got splashed with toilet water? It currently had worse things on it, and I had better things to do, so I rushed out of the door. NTS: Wash tyre iron thoroughly.

I expected to be able to find Melly easily. For there to be, like, a trail of blood I could follow, or a gigantic sign lit up with fluorescent lights that said, 'Melosa this way', but with God as my enemy that might not happen, so I prayed hopefully for the last freaking time today.

"Dear God, hey, it's Steph again.

Anyway, about what I said earlier, you didn't _really_ believe me, did you?"

At the absence of trails of blood, I took that as a 'yes'.

"You did?"

Still nothing. I sighed.

"C'mon, God, cut me sum freaking slack, here! My daughter got kidnapped, and you lead me into a TOILET!"

I heard a 6-year-old child shriek, so I took that as a, "well, when you put it_ that_ way...", from the big man and followed the sound of loud, scared-shitless sobs.

"Leave me alone!" Melly almost shrieked. Her words dripped with rage, and her voice only hinted at what she would like to do to the nice torturer. My child is evil? I shuddered. If she turns out like Anthony, I thought glumly, I am _so_ sending her to live with Ranger. I knew that wasn't true, but right now, I really needed to lie down.

"Why, so you can get me to play Barbies with you? Puh-lease!" I was shocked to hear that the wicked voice belonged to a woman. I sighed. That is IT! I charged into the room just as she was saying, "Your Rambo mother won't-"

"Won't what? Kill your ass? Just watch me!" I pulled out my Uzi (for the second time this night. Sigh, no one should have to use their gun that much. Except a cop. And Ranger. And maybe...) and shot her so many times in the head that her head exploded in a cloud of brains and other gunk. It was only after she sunk to her knees, then fell forward, that I truly took in what had been taking place.

Melosa was chained standing up, her back facing me. Each delicate, milk chocolate wrist was encircled by thick, beefy silver chains, and they were so tight that they dug in and left deep cuts. Her back was a criss-cross pattern of red, angry whip lines, and blood oozed sluggishly from the deepest of them. Her soft, almost feathery hair was caked with blood, and the torturer's brains and blood, and thicker stuff covered my Melly's entire back. Just looking at her made me want to shoot the woman again, and I did, for good measure. Then, when I'd pulled myself together enough, I ran to Melosa and hugged her bare back.

"Mommy, is that you?"

"Who else?"

"She said she'd send more workers. She said she'd- oh God, Mommy-" Her tiny, uncertain voice broke with tears, and relief, and for that small amount of relief I would've killed every other person in this place AND fished Anthony's body out of the toilet. Instead, I gave her half the hug she deserved, and let my tears fall down her back. It was only then that I felt my heart skip a beat, and I was oddly curious. Now that I'd killed all the people I needed to, I let the nausea roll over me in a sickening wave, and realized, as if from far away, that I couldn't feel anything. Everything had gone numb.

'Who cares?' part of me thought. 'Who honestly cares, now that I've got Melly back?' And so I let myself slide down Melly, and lean against the stone wall. So refreshing. So cold. So problemless... and I lost consciousness.

And that was how Ranger found us.

* * *

**A/N Yes, the ending was a tad mushy, but what do you people expect from me? I'm far too stupid to stay on one genre. After reading this story, you should know that. Anyway, the story isn't finished YET, because that would be cruel and unnatural punishment, and I'm not into sadism. Or am I? Nevermind. And also, this chapter is dedicated to my reviewers, and Weird Al Yankovic's new song, 'You're pitiful', to the tune of 'You're beautiful', by James Blunt. But mostly my reviewers :D**  



	13. Mmmkaaay, you're a fly

**A/N Heyyy... I'm utterly bored, and there's nothing to do, so I'll annoy you all with my next chapter in this story. And if you don't like it, you can shove it up your-  
Anyway, I'm sorry that this story isn't the most updated anymore. My friend from Australia, Joanna, has come to stay here in New Zealand for a week, and my uncle Frank has breast cancer, and from the talk on the phone, it's spread to the lungs. So bear with me people.  
**

**Disclaimer: Ummm? I own everything in the world. Just kidding... I own ummm Melosa, the dead rich (literally) Rosario, ummm... Anthony Green, the tyre iron... I bet none of you would have thought up THAT on your own, the bar... what else? I also own the plot, and the name of all the chapters, and the story, and sum other shit, which you don't need to know about. Please don't steal it, because I spent long, tiresome hours making this shit up (not), and you should all be grateful.**

**This (fabulous) chapter is dedicated to Cokkii, who keeps reviewing, even in the crappiest moments of the story. Keep it up, because if you don't... (raises threatening fist)**

* * *

I awoke to the smell of clean linen sheets and that hospital, medically smell, and my first thought was 'Wha?' Sad to say, but I felt like my brain had been spilled across a wall, like that woman's last night... 

Oh God. I sat bolt upright and spewed my guts all over the... brown sheets? Aren't hospital beds usually that exact shade of white that blinds the sick and injured? Something isn't right...

I looked around, trying to find something to increase my panic. Like a gun, or some chemicals, or drugs injected into me. I found all of that, but it was my gun, hospital chemicals and an IV injected into me. But this isn't a hospital.

_ So where am I?_

"Ms. Plum, I would ask that you stay in the- oh," Ella said, taking in the spew-splattered sheets, wild-eyed me and the horrible smell of my breakfast. "Errr, normally I would ask for you to get up, but..." Ella gestured toward the IV that was straining horribly at my efforts to look around. "Perhaps you could just, erm, I could change the sheets over you, but, um..." Somehow, I was pretty sure that Ella wasn't asking for my royal opinion, so I kept my lips zipped, and watched her rack her brain for a painless solution that ended with clean sheets.

"Ella," I interrupted her babbling calmly.  
"Wha- yes, Ms. Plum?"  
"For the millionth time, _Stephanie_. And where is Melosa?"  
"Ranger strictly told me-"  
"I don't give a rat's ass what _Ranger_ told you," I stated, my voice eerily deadly, "where is she?" "In- she's- she's in the next room," Ella stuttered, and I knew she was measuring the ass-whooping she would get from Ranger. I could tell she was shocked that I was acting like this- even_ I _was shocked. I usually like Ella, but I don't usually get shot. Sure, shot at, but not usually-

"_Stephanie_?" I realized that Ella had been repeatedly clicking her fingers infront of my face. Whoops... pay ATTENTION, Ms. Plum, I chided myself, losing focus never did RangeMan employees any good...  
"Ah, yes, Ella, would you mind bringing Melosa in here? Pretty please?" I batted my eyelashes at her, and gave her wide, innocent eyes. When all else fails, make them think you're innocent. A simple philosophy if you go by the name Stephanie Plum.  
"Well..." I could see that Ella was obviously confused about the sudden mood change in the room. Guess she doesn't agree with my philosophy. Oh, well. She blew out a sigh and raised her hands as if surrendering. "Just for a little while, Stephanie, you took a LOT of damage, and Melosa is very fragile right now." And she rushed off to get Melosa, or alert Ranger that mypowers of persuasion increased.

5 minutes later...

Where _is_ she? I looked impatiently around the obviously NOT hospital room, and decided she was probably in the security room, laughing it up and telling the stupid stinking RangeMan employees about my newly developed split-personality disorder. It was then that I heard a tiny knock on the door. A tiny knock that could've only come from a tiny, delicate fist. A tiny, delicate fist that was chained up last-

"Come in," I said, with as much sweetness as I could muster in my current state. And an uncertain-looking Melosa entered the small room. I smiled, and she tried to, but her face crumpled and she ran toward me. Come _on_, I thought, I can't look bad enough to make Melly cry, can I? I opened my arms like a nice, supportive Mommy, and embraced the child of Ranger.

"Mommy, you almost died. You were dying, Mommy. And you just- you just slid down the wall, and- oh God" Melly abruptly stopped her complaining and took the time to add to my new spwe collection on the bed. Better than on me, I thought glumly, but I must truly love Melly, or I wouldn't be holding her hair above her head while she throws her guts out. Or would I?

And then Ranger walked in, took a look around and burst out laughing.  
"Did you teach our Melly a new trick? I know that all that vomit couldn't have come from such a tiny being."  
I was all out of comebacks (they must have went out with my stomach), so I gave him a cheery, "fuck you".  
"Babe, that's how Melly came around. Do you really want to risk it again?" And with that cheerful note, he left and entered... Morelli? What the...?

He looked different, somehow. Like his eyes were haunted. And he had more stubble than ever. But it wasn't that... he had the look of someone who hadn't slept for a long time. "Hey," I croaked.  
"Hey."  
"So... what brings you here, o' master cop of Trenton?" Talk about uneasy. We both had lots of things we wanted to say, and things we didn't.  
"Checking out what a wreck you've made of yourself."  
"You don't look so good yourself. Burger go down wrong?"  
"Cupcake, are you aware that you almost died?"  
"Yes. And?"  
He blew out a sigh from stubbled lips. "I forgot that this was a regular basis thing for you."

I looked around for seating that wasn't covered in spew and came up with a chair with half the stuffing torn out. Oh, well. "Does Trenton's hottest cop wish to take a seat?  
"He looked at his watch, sighed (again! Urg!), then shook his head. I almost believed that he didn't want to go, but the need to get out was rolling off him in waves. "I'm sorry, Steph, but I've got a meeting, and the vomit isn't all that exciting, and-" he abruptly covered his nose, and took off, saying a very nasal goodbye.

And not for the first time, or even the second, maybe the third time I looked around the room. Oh, how horribly boring my days would be, sitting here day after day, lying around, with my only friend Melosa, and perhaps that T.V there. Maybe I could ask for a bigger T.V. _Then_, atleast I-

Hold on.

What's that?

It appears to be a bowl of cookies 'n cream ice cream.

ICECREAM!ICECREAM!ICECREAM!

Life is good.

* * *

**A/N Yeah, there will be one more chapter, although it will probably be an epilogue 'cause I'm to frickin' lazy to do anything more. I dunno, maybe I could write a sequel to this. Dun dun DUNNN! Um, this is where you gasp and say, 'say it isn't so', in mock-horrified voices. But yes, whether you like it or not, I will probably be annoying you all with another installment, just to entertain myself. Also, I would really really REALLY! (see how eager and sincere this face is?) like to take this time to thank ALL of my reviewers. All of you. Even if you said something mean and diabolical. Even if you asked me if I would 'like fries with that?'. Your critisism and support (and fries) is what keeps me boring- errr... writing these chapters... not boring you. No. Let us forget I ever said that. For now.**


	14. Take a bow the only flyless title

**A/N Mmm yeeeesh, this is probably my last chapter, and it's really an epilogue, 'cause it would take far to long to dwell on the unfortunate kidnapping, the healing, the counselling, the times Melosa bursts into tears, the-**

**You get my point? Much more fun for me (and possibly you) if I just skip, say, 5 weeks? It means that you can all imagine what you would've wanted to happen in that time, and I am allowed to stay lazy. See, everybody wins.  
**

**My uncle Frank is eventually going to die, and I've accepted that. Joanna has left, and I won't see her (_if_ I see her again) until next year. I have also accepted that. I'm just FULL of acceptance this time of year. I'm also full of a certain brown substance called SHIT!  
**

**And life is going good. And so is my frickin'- Disclaimer: I own what I said, I said what I meant, yada yada yada, who gives a crap? I know I don't. On with the goddamned story.**

* * *

5 weeks later... 

"Weeeeeeee! Swing me higher, Daddy!" I watched as Ranger pushed Melosa again, and all thoughts of 5 weeks ago had left her mind (thanks to the best therapist money can buy... and just maybe Ranger), and more obviously her face. She had turned 7, and having "Daddy" at that occasion had lightened her spirits, and she was once more the charismatic lil' drama queen we all knew and loved.  
No, definitely no sad I'm-about-to-burst-into-tears-by-the-way-how-are-you looks across her sweet, young face. Instead, a look of pure bliss, excitement, and hell, joy, had rolled over her face like a sparkling new paint. We were all just waiting for it to dry.

It was quite peaceful out here, in California. Too peaceful, I thought with a sigh. Maybe I need a vacation... with BOMBS! And... FTAS! And... SERIAL KILLERS! Ok, Steph, you've lost it, I thought. All those burning car fumes and burritos have demented you're mind (and also limited repairable damage on my thighs... all hail the ThighMaster!) It's just... so LONELY. So frickin' lonely without anyone else to enjoy my peaceful state. Although...

Alot of the Burgers had visited me in my (" fabulous" " stunning" " gorgeous- really, Stephanie, you've out-done yourself") California house. They seemed to like it, and I was just too used to it to move. There was the distance thing, but the Burgers didn't seem too phased. Infact, I actually got invited to 3 "Steph is gone" parties, before they remembered that I _was_ Stephanie Plum.

And Morelli and I are re-building our relationship. The great big hunk of Italian cop is still single, and not bothering to look AT ALL. We're both being very careful about our relationship - it's like some small china shop filled to the brim with glassy antiques and hey, is that a bull outside? Likely, our relationship will come crashing down, and I will most likely be the bull in the china shop. Or maybe, just maybe, we'll get back together. God knows Melly deserves a father.

And I, yes I, am getting used to having Ranger hang around. It means that I can spend more time at the bar. Luc, my favourite eccentric bartender, had been mostly running things while I was injured/sick/too tired to give a damn. And so I gave him a vacation, and still paid him. In response, he kissed my hand, then said, "Madame Plum, you are a kind one indeed."

Maybe I need a vacation. It sure as hell would give me time to work on a tan, and get extremely drunk. And Melly deserves a vacation, too. Sure, she'd already missed 6 weeks of school (including the kidnapping and me in hospital), but -

_Click_. A pair of fingers (well, finger and thumb, but...) magically appeared infront of my gone-distant face."Wha...?"  
"Babe, you still in there?"  
"I might be..." I scowled sourly at him for an eternity, then sighed, and said, "you rang?"  
"You up for going to San Fransisco?"  
My eyebrows flew up, and then I was hit by the suspicion truck. "And the purpose of this trip is..."  
"To pick up an FTA." I blew out a sigh and laid my thoughts of vacations and sugar plums (not to mention car bombs) dancing in my head to rest. "When do you need me?"  
"Now would be good." He reached out and grabbed my arm before I could react. And when I could, all I could do was say, "hey- what- STOP!" and slap feebly at his arm.  
"Relax, Melly and I had a fun time packing for you. Your stuff is in the car." I sighed AGAIN! As long as Ranger is here, my life is doomed to be crazy. Oh well.  
I better fasten my seatbelt and pray for the best. Who know's? Maybe this lil' trip will at least be semi-normal.

Sure it will. And the Easter bunny and I play chess every Wednesday.

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**A/N Yeeesh, it's short, I will admit, but you can aaall put up with it. I only say this because I love you. No really, I do.**

**And I am bored again, so I wish to thank my reviewers. My sequel will come soon, because I'm sooo uninteresting that I'll probably be bored really soon. And I don't know what it will be called, but I can guarantee (almost) that the chapters will have nothing to do with flies... unless you want them to.**

**I don't really care. Even if you didn't review, just taking the time to read this story makes me happy. And I'll be twice as happy if you didn't steal the stuff I mentioned in the disclaimer. And three times as happy if I get at least 30 reviews. And 4 times-**

**You get the idea. And even if you don't, I'm too lazy by far to explain what would and wouldn't make me happy. If you've read this story, you should know that. And that is pretty much all I have to say.**

**Until my next monstrosity- errr... creation,  
See ya,  
Lavena.**

**P.S. To all my fabulous reviewers, I luuurve you! But our relationship isn't going anywhere. Sorry, but it's true. **


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